The Start

It is 2:35 in the morning and i cant sleep. I keep turning in the bed, aching as the bed feels like it’s made of bricks. In actual fact there is nothing wrong with the bed at all, it’s me. I am not an insomniac, just someone who is on the verge of self destruction. For the past few years i have felt pretty low, right now i think i have hit rock bottom. I have a partner who is lying asleep in our bed, totally unaware of what i am doing or how i feel right now. It’s not that we dont talk anymore, she is my best friend, my lover, the person who makes me smile. And that is why i doing this now, this is for both of us.

I am an obese man. I eat because i love food. I love to cook for myself and i love to cook for others. But what i cook and what i eat, is slowly killing me. It’s time i woke up from this self induced nightmare and began to get my life back.

I did something today that i have not done for a very long time, i looked at my reflection in the mirror for a very long time. Now i have to use the mirror to shave, do my hair and some times check my appearance isnt too bad, but this time was different. This time i looked at myself completely. I remembered how my face realy looked the last time i did this, and how it looks now. Shocked is a bit of an understatement.

Firstly i felt sad. Sad that this is something that i have done to myself. Sad because i didn’t really recognise myself. Sad because i had avoided eye contact with myself for so long. Too embarrased to make eye contact with myself, how weird is that. I remembered the times i saw my reflection and quickly looked away before i made eye contact with myself. I was avoiding me because i didn’t want to be me. 

Then i felt shocked. I carried on looking at myself and the reality just sank in. This was really me. This is how i look to others. I had spent the last few years hiding from myself, hoping the reflection was just someone else. The face looking back was a mess. That’s it i decided right then and their. I have to do something about this. I have to act immediately. That’s why i couldnt sleep, my mind was working overtime, trying to figure out what to do. And the bed of bricks didnt help either.

The first step was to get up at stupid o’clock in the morning to start this post. Get to the computer and just write about how i am feeling but more importantly what i am going to do. I realise the task ahead is massive like me. This will take a lot of time, patience, willpower, exercise and dedication. This time i will get it right.

How much do i weigh? i have no idea. The last time i weighed myself it was 22 stone. I think it is probably more than that now but only by about 1 or 2 stone. Hey whats a few stone when your this size. Thats something else i do. If i meet new people, and i notice they give me the look of “Wow you’re a fat bloke”, then i insult myself by ridiculing my weight. I thought it was a good way to make people think i wasn’t bothered by it, make them think i was that funny fat bloke. Well the truth is i am that funny fat bloke, only i dont particularly feel funny inside. I feel fat and everything that goes with feeling fat.

Thats another reason why i have started this. To get better i have to face the truth. I have to lose weight. By putting this out and letting people know what i will be going through, i am not going to hide away from it anymore. This time i am doing it publicly. I have tried so many ways before, none have worked. This time I hope to take myself seriously, so i have nothing to lose but weight.

I gave up smoking a few years ago, that was a great achievement in my life. Getting rid of one of the worst habits there is. Why i ever started i dont know. One things for sure, after i stopped the weight increase was quite substantial. If i can give up smoking then i can and will lose the weight.

It’s now 3:33 and i am getting tired, I feel better for making a start. When i wake up, i shall plan how this is going to go. If anyone reads this i would appreciate your comment. But before any of you decide to leave a comment that’s a bit negative remember this, There is nothing you can say, that will make me feel worse about myself, than the way i feel about myself right now.

goodnight.