Still going

Well its been a few days now, still no scales. But i have been watching what i am doing and eating.

A quick rundown on the last few days goes like this:

8th Jan,   breakfast (Porridge with a fresh juice),     lunch  (thai chicken noodle soup + a few crackers),  Dinner  (Steamed Cod with sweet potato’s, carrots, baby corn and asparagus. Followed by some fresh fruit.)

9th Jan,   breakfast (Rice crispies + coffee),    lunch (Bowl of chicken soup),   Dinner (Pork fillet curry with brown rice. This was followed by a small piece of leftover homemade Christmas pudding with splenda custard)

Today 10th Jan,   breakfast (Rice crispies + coffee),   lunch (small bowl of brown rice with egg and a carrot and ginger juice),  later for dinner i am having  a bowl of homemade roasted butternut squash soup.

Well i have started to feel better with myself, but it is hard to not picking a snack of some unhealthy sort and munching away in a state of nirvana. I never really watched anything i ate before, i just ate it. Even if i wasn’t hungry, so most of it was pretty much out of boredom. I think when i was a smoker i would have a cigarette, and when i gave that up, it was replaced by food. Thinking about it just makes me feel mad with myself. Its just one bad habit after another. I hope that when i lose the weight i don’t take up something else that will kill me. Well at least i don’t drink, that’s one down.

My partner knows about the diet as we are doing it together. We gave up smoking together and she was a tower of strength, i am lucky to be with her, she means everything to me. The only thing i haven’t done is tell her about this blog. I enjoy keeping a diary where i will post my successes and failures. One day i will tell her but for now i just want it for myself.

For a start i have to admit to cheating myself already and its only the 5th day. Yesterday i had 4 squares of chocolate. I would normally have eaten the whole bar, i felt so much shame afterwards. I never went anywhere near the amount of calories i should have, but it just felt so wrong. I have so much chocolate left over from the Christmas period. I hate waste so if i cant have it what should i do with it? suggestions please.

Now because i am writing all this down, i can see what i am eating. Like the chocolate scenario if i eat it, then it gets recorded, i am hoping this will keep shaming me into stopping and to take notice of what i am putting inside myself.

This time i took 3 days away from writing, i think that is too much, mental note to self, “Write at least every couple of days, and if something bad happens like the chocolate saga, put it in instantly.”

Thanks to sweetenedcondensed for keeping me in check.

The First Day

Well its the end of day 1. I had all day today to prepare myself for what i have decided to do. From taking the first real decision on something that will eventually and hopefully, improve my life.

I must say it has started off well. After i eventually woke from a real crap nights sleep, i got out the newly purchased juicer and made a quick glass of two apples and 2 pears. It tasted nothing like i was expecting, but was quite tasty. With a small bowl of rice crispie’s, no fat milk obviously. I wasn’t expecting to feel full of instant health, so i wasn’t disappointed. But i felt better about myself for doing it. It was the start and now i just had to keep it going for what i know is going to be a long long time. Anyway i bypassed all the snacks that i would normally have gorged myself with at midday, opting for some fruit instead. This lasted me until i had dinner with my partner and her family, where i had Salmon with mash and steamed vegetables. This appealed more to my taste and was not disappointing, congratulations to the chef. No pudding as the main course was filling enough. It was the first time i ate the crispy skin as well, it looked so delicious i couldn’t leave it. As it turned out, great choice.

Now is the evening and i resisted the urge for some chocolate as i would normally have done, instead i had five big shrimp instead. Dont know if this was a good thing, i do think its better for you than chocolate. Will have to check that tomorrow and make sure.

So that was it first day over, and i did go walking for a few miles around the city center. So food and exercise achieved for the day. Although i still have to get a set of scales and do the official first weigh in. Task for the week, purchase set of scales. I will also post a few photos, but firstly i have to build up the courage for that. One step at a time eh.

I feel better for writing this down as well, for a start i had two comments today. Both were unexpected and kind in their content and are gratefully received. I am speechless.

Thankyou again.

The Start

It is 2:35 in the morning and i cant sleep. I keep turning in the bed, aching as the bed feels like it’s made of bricks. In actual fact there is nothing wrong with the bed at all, it’s me. I am not an insomniac, just someone who is on the verge of self destruction. For the past few years i have felt pretty low, right now i think i have hit rock bottom. I have a partner who is lying asleep in our bed, totally unaware of what i am doing or how i feel right now. It’s not that we dont talk anymore, she is my best friend, my lover, the person who makes me smile. And that is why i doing this now, this is for both of us.

I am an obese man. I eat because i love food. I love to cook for myself and i love to cook for others. But what i cook and what i eat, is slowly killing me. It’s time i woke up from this self induced nightmare and began to get my life back.

I did something today that i have not done for a very long time, i looked at my reflection in the mirror for a very long time. Now i have to use the mirror to shave, do my hair and some times check my appearance isnt too bad, but this time was different. This time i looked at myself completely. I remembered how my face realy looked the last time i did this, and how it looks now. Shocked is a bit of an understatement.

Firstly i felt sad. Sad that this is something that i have done to myself. Sad because i didn’t really recognise myself. Sad because i had avoided eye contact with myself for so long. Too embarrased to make eye contact with myself, how weird is that. I remembered the times i saw my reflection and quickly looked away before i made eye contact with myself. I was avoiding me because i didn’t want to be me. 

Then i felt shocked. I carried on looking at myself and the reality just sank in. This was really me. This is how i look to others. I had spent the last few years hiding from myself, hoping the reflection was just someone else. The face looking back was a mess. That’s it i decided right then and their. I have to do something about this. I have to act immediately. That’s why i couldnt sleep, my mind was working overtime, trying to figure out what to do. And the bed of bricks didnt help either.

The first step was to get up at stupid o’clock in the morning to start this post. Get to the computer and just write about how i am feeling but more importantly what i am going to do. I realise the task ahead is massive like me. This will take a lot of time, patience, willpower, exercise and dedication. This time i will get it right.

How much do i weigh? i have no idea. The last time i weighed myself it was 22 stone. I think it is probably more than that now but only by about 1 or 2 stone. Hey whats a few stone when your this size. Thats something else i do. If i meet new people, and i notice they give me the look of “Wow you’re a fat bloke”, then i insult myself by ridiculing my weight. I thought it was a good way to make people think i wasn’t bothered by it, make them think i was that funny fat bloke. Well the truth is i am that funny fat bloke, only i dont particularly feel funny inside. I feel fat and everything that goes with feeling fat.

Thats another reason why i have started this. To get better i have to face the truth. I have to lose weight. By putting this out and letting people know what i will be going through, i am not going to hide away from it anymore. This time i am doing it publicly. I have tried so many ways before, none have worked. This time I hope to take myself seriously, so i have nothing to lose but weight.

I gave up smoking a few years ago, that was a great achievement in my life. Getting rid of one of the worst habits there is. Why i ever started i dont know. One things for sure, after i stopped the weight increase was quite substantial. If i can give up smoking then i can and will lose the weight.

It’s now 3:33 and i am getting tired, I feel better for making a start. When i wake up, i shall plan how this is going to go. If anyone reads this i would appreciate your comment. But before any of you decide to leave a comment that’s a bit negative remember this, There is nothing you can say, that will make me feel worse about myself, than the way i feel about myself right now.

goodnight.